Schedule and Events

. Time Main Field . . 5pm Prison v. Bacon Bits . . 6.30pm John Cougar Mellencamps v. Commitments . . 8pm Break . . 9pm The Finals, Hallelujah!

Looks so beautifully simple, don't it? As for the rest of us, we'll be drinking the whole time.

For those not in the know, here's a little BKKB Championship History:

• 2004, Orangesleeves upset Los Piratas Mechanicos in 3 games
• 2005, Heavy Favorite Burninators escape a scare from Shockamania
• 2006, No-Name Fun Club shocks the league and the John Cougar Mellencamps
• 2007, The Commitments narrowly incarcerate Prison
• 2008, ???
  

We have 4 teams left, and there are no real favorites. All 4 have beaten each other over the course of this season. One of them, the Bacon Bits, kindly sent me a team preview to just cut and paste for you. So you see, I'm not really reporting, I'm just relaying. I'm not creating, interviewing, editing, or fact-checking - I'm not a journalist here. I'm not doing anything at all! Hope you all know that difference. So here, from Good Guy Captain Calvin Wong's outbox to my inbox to your screen. Enjoy:

here's our starting 12 kickers brought to you by our resident professional sports writer adam duerson and team funnyman karl pawlewicz...

1. Calvin Wong: All-Star SS, team anchor and all-around saviour. Way too nice of a guy though. Calvin puts kicks where the sun don't shine and makes most 3B just throw the ball back to the pitcher with a really sad look on their face while the rest of their team is like, "Whoa, that dude is fast. And his calf muscles are strong like ox." He may also be the only guy in BK Kickball that the Pirates don't hate. Of course, saying that means he will be hated on. Good Luck Cal!

2. Oakley Hall: This Masshole is typically identified as the asshole who won't stop running, even when the pitcher has the ball. "Seriously dude? She's got the ball." He doesn't care. The only thing more scary than Oakley running the bases and is seeing the look in his eyes when he's chasing someone down with the ball. Without an 'overpowering' arm, Oakley's main attack is to charge like a bull in a china shop and try to either get close enough to cram the ball down some unlucky saps throat, or laser a chest pass to home plate just before the runner crosses. He also crochets!

3. Amy Malbon: The unsung hero of the Bits, Amy excels at accurate kicks that move the baserunners and then having her inept teammates behind her kick her in to a force play. Weak sauce. When playing 1B, she never drops a ball. Seriously. Seriously. She's listed as 6' 3" 285 lbs. in the media guide with a 4.2 40 and can bench 360. She's known as Bad/Good, for you french majors and minors out there, and when she's not playing kickball she enjoys tequila. And Oakley.

4. Cullen Shaw: BK Kickball got a rude awakening to Cullen this season, and not the kind when you wake up to find out you've puked in your sleep and the person you had a one night stand with OD'd on pills and is lying there next to you, dead, and there's a knock at the door and someone yelling, "OPEN UP, POLICE!!" Good times. No, Cullen kicked three home runs in one game. Uphill. To every base. In the snow. With no shoes. Then again, he also skips BK Kickball for Yankees games sometimes, so we hate him.

5. Karl Pawlewicz: Remember when Andre the Giant was the new guy in the WWF and he waltzed onto the scene at Wrestlemania 2 and tossed 19 other guys—including William Perry—out of the ring in the Battle Royal? That's kind of what Karl's arrival on the Brooklyn Kickball scene has been like, except with less spandex and more silly, striped tank tops. He also secretly tells girls he's the 42nd member of the Wu-Tang clan.

6. Allison 'whatchootalkinabout' Willis: She's been dubbed the Quiet Storm by no one at all, but don't let that fool you. She's part Pele, part Cal Ripken, part Nas, ALL Willis. She invites every team to bring its infield in for her, because she's terrible. Like really bad and not very good. She's also in the process of starting a kickball league in the rainforests of Paraguay. Right now they make their own kickballs out of coffee beans.

7. Adam Duerson: Take a look around at your outfield some time. See all the spaces where your people aren't standing? That's where Duerson likes to kick it. He also likes to bunt just to give a big middle finger to the person on your team who bunted but didn't get called for it. He also likes to actually give the middle finger to people and one time argued a call so much some dude on Never Scared threatened to beat him up. Except, he didn't say it to Duerson. He just sorta said it to the Bits' 3B who heard it and was like, "I'll tell you what, that guy just doesn't seem to be scared. Ever." Go figure.

8. Audrey Aponte: Widely regarded as the 'weak spot' in the Bits' lights out defense, she manages to catch everything that comes her way at 2B or P. She also makes good throws all over the infield. Smart kicking and the ability to get to 1B before the ball, which is a huge benefit in kickball. Little known fact: Audrey first learned to play kickball at Rikers Island.

9. David Peterson: Solid contributor with good hands in the field and at a massage table. David's ability to make plays happen is why a lot of us refer to him as a 'play maker.' Also, he wears a nice helmet when he rides his bike, so you know he is safety first (eh? ladies? who's interested?) David makes plays look easy. Not easy enough for us to call him Silky Johnson, but he comes through in the clutch.

10. Shannan Coghill: The Bits starting pitcher whose speed has dramatically increased this year. She's also diversified her portfolio by picking up a nasty slider and a sinking curveball that bounces high at first but then rolls perfectly over the plate. The type of pitch where everyone in the field is like, "DON'T BE A PUSSY, KICK THE BALL, THAT PITCH WAS A PERFECT!" Shannan is another one of the fine Bits' ladies who knows how to get a kick laid down, if you're feeling me.

11. Tien Mao: Okay, if you don't know Tien, he's the guy in the Michigan shorts. When he's not busy crunching numbers with Calvin, he's usually making hits: singles, doubles, triples. Nice, easy accurate kicks and speed on the basepaths make him frustrating for opposing defenders. He's also a very headstrong and armstrong firstbaseman who you shouldn't think twice about trying to stretch a single in to a double on ::winky face::

12. Zach "Slides Mahoney" Lerner: There isn't a square inch on any one of those three McCarren fields that Zach hasn't bled on. Last week he was like, "I broke my scabs open again." And just stood there smiling as his shit oozed all over the place. Zach's crazy. His scabs have scabs and yet he refuses to wear socks because he doesn't believe that men should have to cover up their lower legs. He also makes mad running catches in LF. Teams are always like, "Just kick it over dude at third base's head to the guy with the glasses." If I was Zach, one day I would make some sick running/diving catch, stand up, and spike my glasses down and be all like, "WHAT NOW BITCHES! WHO WANTS ME?!!" He'd probably go through like four or five pairs of glasses a game.